I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
