dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
