he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
