dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
