I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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