i wish peter jackson would direct porn
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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