i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
