Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
