so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
