I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
