you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
