I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Shame - the story of my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
