Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
