My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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