It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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