My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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