just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
