I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
