Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
