3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
