I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
