The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
