Girls should come with a carfax report
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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