Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
