Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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