I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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