Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
