It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
