I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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