i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
