How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
