They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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