Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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