Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
