just come out here and I will go home with you...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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