I puked a lego.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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