it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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