only you would photoshop your dick
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
