Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
