In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
