Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
