Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
