The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
