my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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