My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
