I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
