my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
