I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
