Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
