There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
