i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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