I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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