so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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