I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
