The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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