i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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